As a premortal spirit, I had this idyllic vision of what earth (school) was going to be like. I was excited. I looked forward to learning all kinds of cool things and becoming like Christ. It was going to be awesome! And then I was conceived and came into my mother’s body and it was not like I expected. It was nothing like I expected. It was painful and confusing and disorientating. It was traumatizing. I had been led to believe in the Garden of Eden and what I experienced was more like hell. At least, that’s how I perceived it.
As a small child, I still wanted to believe in the ideal—in family, in connection, in creating what you want in life. So I practiced this and I continually failed. I failed at making a happy family, I failed at relationships, and I failed to create what I wanted. In fact, I seemed to be creating what I didn’t want. So because that was working, I created more of what I didn’t want—isolation, stagnancy and disconnection. And I felt like a failure. I believed I had stopped creating altogether. No more stories, no more imagining. And yet, I have still been living in the world that I created for myself. I have been perpetuating it.
This is really the essence of the struggle. Finding your place, figuring out what you can do and who you are and who you want to be, through what manifests in your state of being. What kind of an existence have I created? What does it look like? How do I feel about it? If this is the way it is, it must be exactly what I wanted. So if I stop and look around and I don’t like what I have, how do I create something different? This is the path I have been on: how to create something different.
This morning I listened to an interview Oprah Winfrey did with Alanis Morissette, and what Alanis was saying helped me realize that my heart has been at war* with the struggle. I do not want to struggle, I do not want pain, I do not like change, so I have been resisting all of the healing I have tried to implement, because struggle is actually required to learn and grow. Accepting conflict is actually the key to allowing myself to heal. My intention now is to be at peace with conflict. If I can somehow get there, I can reach a place where I no longer need it. Alanis has reached that place. I think Oprah has reached that place. Now they’re simply enjoying the life they have created. They are sharing it with people, they are teaching others how to do it. That’s where I want to go. I want to be part of this mysterious club of peaceful people. But in the meantime, I want to enjoy the struggle, because that’s what is going to get me there.
*Good information on hearts being at war: The Anatomy of Peace: Resolving the Heart of Conflict